I've decided to coddle my children

It's no secret that in our western culture, we are under the constant stress of "busyness." There's just no time. Too much to do and not enough hours in the day. Deadlines, stress, anxiety, busyness. My son always asks, "What are we doing next, Mom?" I've decided that I don't want to impose that life on my children anymore and that I don't think pushing them out of their comfort zone in this area is "good for them" anymore. Let me give you an example from tonight:

As I was putting Bubba to bed, I did the normal routine: book, tucking in, hi-low, prayer, hugs and kisses, shut off the light. Normally from here, I would lay down in bed with Bubba and stay till he fell asleep. Let me explain: Bubba.....is a scaredy-pants. Plain and simple. He hates the dark, he won't even go in another room by himself unless I'm in plain view. I think it's pretty normal (albeit kinda annoying) for a 4-year-old but, hence, Mommy became the sleeping buddy. There are nights when it's nice. We get some cuddle time and he drifts off to sleep within like 5 minutes. Then I'm up and on my merry way. Other nights, he's wired and it. takes. forever!!!! And all the while I'm screaming inside "For the love of God, just fall asleep! I've got _________ to do!!!"

So tonight I decided (for him and without his knowledge or approval) that the whole laying-in-bed-till-Bubba-falls-asleep thing had to stop. Weaning was going to start tonight. Period. So I told him I would not be laying in bed with him tonight, but on the floor. And I ever-so-graciously added that I would put my hand on the bed and hold his, if he wanted. He flipped. Tantrum first, then tears, then whining and finally, quietly, he gave up, snuggled his little, sweaty hand under mine and held on while he laid down. And I kind of patted myself on the back for being strong and being the good mama-bird who pushed my son out of the nest whether he was ready or not.

And after about 10 minutes of my son's tossing and turning, he slipped his hand out from under mine and gently draped it on top. It felt comforting. Like "It's ok, Mom. I know you don't know ANYTHING about raising a 4-year-old, but we will figure this out together." I started to think about all of the things he figured out on his own without me pushing him. Like putting his own clothes on, or the time I stopped trying to potty train him and one night he just got up from the dinner table, walked his little booty to the bathroom and peed in the toilet. And I started wondering why on EARTH we, as parents, PUSH our kids as if there's some timeline on how long it's ok to need Mommy and Daddy. I'm fairly certain that one day, Bubba is going to look at me and say, "Mom, I love you, but PLEASE get out of my bed!!!" I'm pretty sure I'm not going to need to push that one! Why do I feel the need to impose this stressful lifestyle of deadlines and busyness on a kid...who knows nothing about time anyway?

So even though his eyes were closed and I thought maybe, just maybe, he was close to falling asleep, I did the unthinkable: I moved. And that little bugger sat straight up, so fearful that I was leaving before he had drifted into sleep. I told him to lay back down, kissed his forehead and whispered, "I'm so sorry, honey. I will lay with you for as long as you need me to." And he whispered, "It's ok, Mommy." And I nestled back into my normal spot at the end of his bed and closed my eyes and waited. And inside, my brain was all, "I want to get downstairs to my popcorn and solitude!!!" but my heart was like, "Yeah, pretty sure I'm figuring out how to do ONE thing right....."

I want to let my kids be kids...irrational fears, neediness and all. So from here on out, I'm going to try my best to do a little more coddling and a little less tough-loving. :)

Fun things, new things, hard things, SHOE things!!

There is a lot happening in our home lately. First and most importantly, Halloween was a bust. It rained, so no trick-or-treating happened by our house. We took the kids to the mall for trick-or-treating and it was packed AND out of candy. So what is a family to do? Call it quits and eat chili at a family party! And look cute while doing it ;)

We were contacted last week by our agency about a situation similar to the last few and we are still waiting to hear if the birthmom chose our family. Super excited if she does but we're also not getting our hopes up as much as before...we're just trying to remember that it'll happen when it happens (and hopefully soon!).

We are also running a shoe drive to cover the rest of the adoption costs. We are THIS close to doing this debt-free! We are doing the fundraiser through Cash4Shooz--this company takes useable shoes, sends them overseas, and employs around 85 people at a time in local areas to mend the shoes and resell them in their communities.

They pay us per pound of shoes that we collect but since we are out of state (they operate in California), we have to collect a minimum of 15,000 POUNDS of shoes!!! YIKES!!!! It works out to about 10,000 pairs. We are running the fundraiser through January (longer if needed) and will soon have drop-off points at Minooka Bible Church and Fat Boyz! We would also absolutely love to pick up your dirty, old shoes from your home, too :)

Keep us in your prayers and let us know if we can shoot one up for you, too :)

Rejection

There's not a whole lot to say. We got another call from our agency on Monday about another baby situation. This baby is due in 4 weeks and has drug exposure. From the sound of it, there were not many other families willing to adopt this little sweetie yet to be born. But we were. More than willing. I didn't post anything on the blog because I didn't want to "jinx" it. As it turns out, we found out today that the birth mother chose another family. I don't know why we're finding this time so much harder to take than the last time. The rejection is just starting to stack up a little and it breaks my Mommy heart. I know lots of people who have told me not to get my hopes up, not to get attached, not to dream or think of our family including any other baby until we know for sure that we've been picked. But really, I can't say I know any Mom that is capable of that. Moms are made to jump in with our whole hearts and minds, dreaming and hoping and living in faith. We're meant to give of ourselves without asking for anything (ok, maybe just the occasional scrapbooking weekend) in return. Which also means that Moms are made to have our hearts broken over and over again. This must mean that we're made to be pretty damn strong. And that's what I'm clinging to right now. That I am fearfully and wonderfully made and I was made to be a pretty damn, strong woman. And that when we do finally get chosen, I'll already be there with my whole heart, loving that baby fully, before we were ever his or her parents.

But right now the rejection stings.

The Longest Weekend Ever!

We have been listed on our agency's website for approximately 5 days. Check it out!
Within 12 hours of us being listed the first day...we got a call from our agency. An emergency. A pregnant woman with a sad, sad, story and an even sadder story surrounding the baby, was being induced on Tuesday (like this past Tuesday...like YESTERDAY). Did we want our profile to be included in the set that the agency was giving her to look over? After talking it over, we decided YES! of course we wanted her to consider our family! They overnighted 5 profiles (including ours) to her on Friday and then we waited...and waited...and waited...and started thinking through what accommodations we would need to make if we needed to go get OUR BABY this week.

And then the phone call came on Monday afternoon while I was at a home visit for one of my foster families at my internship. I stepped out to take it because I couldn't go any longer without knowing something. And then the news came flooding out of the other line so quickly I could barely hold on: another family was on the top of her list. We weren't it. This wasn't our baby. And my heart broke even though I had peace about it. Something I've noticed is that, as Christians, we compartmentalize having peace and having raw emotion. Like if we trust God and have peace about a situation, then we can't be heartbroken or sad or angry. I know that we will be matched eventually and I know that God has a plan for us specifically. But I'm still sad that this situation didn't work out. I never expected the ups and downs of adoption to come so quickly. It would've been an amazing story, too. But the one God has written for us is pretty amazing, too. :)

LIVE

Within the week, our adoption profile will be live for women choosing adoption to look at. It'll be on our agency's website and they will also have hard copies to give to interested birthparents who come to the agency in person. This is huge. We're finally here! From here on out...we wait. It could be a day, it could be a year. We don't know what God has in store for us or how long we will have to wait. But we know we've been obedient. We know we've done what He has told us to do.

And we're so close to being able to pay for it all. But we're not quite there yet. We have anywhere between $3000 and $8000 left to raise. We have seen God provide VASTLY already yet we are nervous to see how the rest of it comes. We know God's got this. But we also know that we have to be proactive. We're just asking that if anyone is willing to donate or knows someone who might be willing, please direct them to our blog. You can donate through Paypal on the right side of the page or through a check to us. We know that most, if not all!, of the people reading our blog have already donated time, talents, money, etc. to us. If you guys could just keep us in your prayers that this money would come in some way, some how. We will be forever grateful :)

I will be making some fall and Christmas wreaths to sell soon, hoping that might bring in a little bit more since most people bought wreaths from us around springtime. Keep your eyes open! I also have about 7 clutch purses already made and sitting on my counter for whoever is interested! $20 a piece.

We're in the home stretch. Let's make this happen. Thanks for loving on our family so much with help, support and prayer!

Pressing On

This process has been painfully slow for us. We went to our first consultation at our agency in February and it's now July. And we're still not finished with our home study. BUT...we will finally be completing our home study-tomorrow! We have our last visit in the morning and then we will go in for one more consultation and then we wait to be matched! It feels good to be so close to having our end of things finished. Then we can just wait for God to do His thing. We are feeling good about things!

Me and the Hubster

We also have been offered a $3500 adoption grant to help with our expenses! The money has not been sent yet, though, so we're not posting anything about where we got this grant or that we have received anything yet. But it's there, God is providing. He has provided in amazing, crazy, off-the-wall ways and I am absolutely LOVING experiencing it. I'm for sure an idealist and so, at the beginning of all of this, I was researching all these crazy ideas for saving money for the adoption and The Husband kind of thought it was all quite cute (he's the realist in this relationship--the yin to my yang) but didn't think it would really help. He's been working SO hard so we can save more for the adoption. He's pretty amazing. But it has been so awesome to watch God provide through handmade wreaths and clutches, a Facebook auction and a grant.

We should be done with everything and waiting to be matched in about two weeks. I'm sure that then the roller coaster will only have begun.

Fourth of July

We spent the 4th at home just hanging out as a family. It was really nice. The Husband's parents and brother came over for an early cook-out and the kids played outside. We ventured out to fireworks for the first time with children this year! Fireworks here didn't start till 9:15 pm so we were a little worried how the kids would handle a bedtime about 4 hours later than normal! They. Did. Great!! It was so worth the late bedtime! Bubba kept asking, "How'd THAT happen?!" every time he saw a big firework. Sissy thought they were Tinkerbell.

Bubba also had his first karate class last week! He did SO well! He was very shy and timid because it was his first time but seeing him get the punches down after one try and hearing him say, "Yes, Sir!" "No, Sir!" was so awesome. I see so much potential in that little boy. Here are a few pics from the past week.

The Secret Lives of Parents after Bedtime

I don't know about any other parents of young ones out there but I know that the husband and I sometimes feel like agents in covert ops after bedtime. From 7 PM to 10 PM we let loose and enjoy our time sans-kids. We watch shows that we would never let them watch (Walking Dead, anyone??), we eat food that we try to monitor with them (Fat Boys, Tastee Bite, our town has WAY too many delicious bad-for-you places to eat!), we listen to music with "naughty" words, etc. Sometimes I feel like I hide a big part of me from my kids because it's the adult side of me that they don't see during the day. During the day, I am (or try to be to the best of my ability) fun-loving mommy, pancake cooker, pirate, "bad guy" for Bennett to beat up, referee, boo boo kisser, keeper of the Fruit Loops, hair dresser, world-class singer, chef, maid etc. They don't get to see the adult side of Mommy! Anyone else have this feeling?

On a separate note, working at this foster care agency
has really opened my eyes to the needs of the foster child. My heart breaks on a daily basis for these kiddos. There is so much hurt and abandonment and rejection going on with these kids. I really believe that if the husband and I ever decide to adopt a second time, I will convince him to adopt out of foster care. That process is so difficult for many because most foster children are not legally free for adoption. So you foster children that you want to adopt KNOWING that they may be reunited with their biological family. Which is bittersweet I am sure. Because deep down I'm sure this is what many foster kids want and yet, as adoptive families, we want to "save" these kids...which is not always our place. I'm really seeing many different sides to orphan care through working at this agency and just continuing to do my adoption research and training for our adoption. Orphan care really doesn't just mean adoption.

Foster care is such a HUGE part of it and I think many great families are too afraid to do it because they fear they'll become too attached or they fear the children will have too many "issues." But that's really painting these kids with a broad brush. Yes of course they come with "issues"...kids come into care because of issues at home so of course they're going to bring that stuff with them. But this doesn't mean they're incapable of so much more...of love and attachment, friendship and kinship, desires and talents. As the church I think we need to look at serving more in this way as well as adoption...

Current Home Study News

We've completed two of our three 3-hour long home study meetings. Our last one is in two weeks and will be at our home. We are so blessed with our social worker as she is a believer so we have been able to be VERY open and vulnerable with her about our motivations for wanting to adopt. We've had to talk through some really tough decisions regarding our openness in our adoption including what limits we're willing to go to to protect our child if he/she is of a different race than us. These are really difficult choices to make because we know that not everybody will be comfortable or accepting of our choice to adopt outside of our race and we know that some of these people may end up being people we know very well. But we've decided not to let the unjust thoughts of others make our decision for us and we will continue pursuing an adoption of a child of any race. We will also accept a child who has many mild to moderate special needs.

Once we're done with our home study, we will write a "Dear Birthmother" letter, submit it to the agency for birthmoms to see, and then WAIT. This is partly a breath of fresh air because everything on our end will be done but I know I am very nervous about how long we will have to wait to be placed and how many failures we'll go through till we're placed with our eventual child. We're really trying to leave this up to God, as He has the final say anyway, but with so many possibilities, it's difficult not to wonder and dream about the "what ifs".

We are doing SO WELL with our fundraising. We are now able to pay our first big placement fee of $4400 as well as about $3500 of the matching fee of $4000. After that, we're really relying on God. Depending on the race of the child, we will have a final payment of between $2600 and $7500 plus our legal fees which will most likely be about $2000 and any birthmother expenses we see fit to pay. We feel like we can see the light at the end of the tunnel but there's still work to be done. We applied for one grant and are waiting to hear about it still. If we get it, it may cover up to $5000 of our expenses which will cover almost everything we have left!!

Keep us in your prayers as we continue to find unique ways to pay for this process that we know the Lord has called us to. And consider ways that you can help take care of the orphan. :)

Raising Kids is Cray Cray!

We took Bubba to the allergist last week at the recommendation of our pediatrician. He's been struggling with pretty bad eczema since he was a baby and he has since developed allergies and possibly asthma. Here's what the allergist suggested (we decided not to do testing at this point because he is pretty sure it's environmental allergies that aggravate his eczema...and he tends to kick doctors when they touch him so testing with needles would probably not be a good idea at this point!):

1) Rip up the carpet in our entire house (we compromised on Bubba's room only)
2) Get rid of the stuffed animal overload in our house
3) Get Bubba on a strict skincare regimen (This includes a slew of mild soap, steroid and non-steroid cream, lotion, allergy medicine etc...)
4) Get Bubba using the neb twice a day to confirm if he's got asthma or not

He promises it will be labor-intensive but worth it. Especially if we don't have to test Bubba for allergies because we narrow it down based on these suggestions. It's been 4 days and we're doing good. I have a hard time remembering to do the skin regimen in the mornings because I usually get him dressed downstairs but his spots are clearing up!! We've been able to narrow grass down as an aggravate because every day that he plays in the grass (if we forget the zyrtec before bed) he wakes up late at night screaming and crying and scratching like crazy. :(

But so far we're getting positive results! And Sissy has started the temper tantrum stage. Oi. We love our kids!!! :)

I'll be starting my internship this week. I'll be doing lots with foster kids, their families and foster families. I'm very very nervous but I've met with the people who work at the agency a few times and they are really awesome people. I'm excited to work with people who have the same passion that I do. :) Daddy is a wee bit nervous to be switching roles with Mommy but excited to take the kids to the zoo...every day (according to Bubba).

Our Daily Bread

Gotta get this out first! Our first home study meeting is scheduled! May 20th :)

So our auction was a GREAT success! At the advice of a friend who did the same kind of auction for her adoption, we extended the auction to be three days instead of one. The first day we raised $1800! The Husband and I were COMPLETELY floored. But by the end of day 3 though, we had raised just over

$2700!!!! We cannot express our gratitude to everyone who donated and bid and our awe at what a mighty God can do when you are obedient to His call. We have also been getting more wreath orders from people seeing them for the first time during the auction (we auctioned off 8 wreaths). We have raised enough money through the wreath fundraiser, the clutch fundraiser and the auction (as well as our personal savings) to pay these fees:

Initial Consultation Fee: $350
Application Fee: $375
Home Study Fee: $2550
Program Fee: $4400
Match Fee (when we're matched with a birthmom): We have $2600 of this $4000 fee

What's left to be delivered

With The Husband working extra hours over the summer we will be able to pay the Match Fee and a small chunk of our FINAL payment! This is the payment we need to make after within a week after bringing the baby home and it's our biggest fee. BUT, this means we only have about $6000 (or if the child is African American, $4125) plus attorney's fees and birthmother expenses to pay. This is INCREDIBLE news! I know it still sounds like a lot of money to come up with. But from where we started? With NOTHING (and I mean NOTHING) to put toward this adoption, God is providing in leaps and bounds. The funny thing is, He has been perfectly consistent in his provision financially throughout this whole thing. We have had enough to pay the current fee plus just a bit extra toward the next fee. Every. Stinking. Time. I'm attributing the little bit extra to what we've contributed from our own savings which just tells me that even if we were not able to pay for any of the adoption out of our own pocket, He would still be providing. Exactly what we need. Exactly when we need it. No more and no less.

Thanking Him for giving us our daily bread :)


Our amazing donators to the auction (many of these people or businesses donated MORE than 1 item):
Jennifer Morley
Nicole Bittermann
Jason Domingo
Erica Sandeno
Whimsey (shop in Morris)
Sara Moodie
Sue Kies
Kristina Gorsch

This is about 1/3 of what I began with!

Stacee Doyle
Jennifer's cookies
Jill Kopin
Amy Kargol
Crest Hill Animal Hospital
Minooka Animal Hospital
Caton Crossing Animal Hospital
Amy Domingo
Danielle Beck
Christie Sweeley
Cassandra Vuscko
Elyse Sanneman
Amy Manning
Jen Lennington
Jamie Adams
Stephanie Thompson
Lisa Guardiola
Courtney Hammang
Julia Bucey
Barb Pearson
Juniper + Lulu
Katie Rabenda
Jillianne Renee
Michelle Heap

Kickin' it Moses-style

I've always identified strongly with Moses. Poor Moses. The dude just did NOT want to do what God called Him to do. He gave God every excuse in his mind why he just couldn't accomplish what God was asking of him. And, let's give the guy some credit, all the excuses were legit concerns. What if I don't know what to say? What if people don't believe me (or think I've totally lost my marbles)? I stink at talking. Please don't make me go. Hey! How about this other person? They're WAY more qualified than me!

I love that I serve a God who doesn't just obliterate me when I look Him square in the eye and say, "Um, are you, like...SURE?!" My circumstance so often sways my obedience to God. At times I fear adding another child to our family (or just doing something God has asked of me, period!) because of a temporary circumstance or behavior of another one of my children. And, THANK HEAVEN God does not do this to us! Could you imagine? If God based how many kids He wanted based upon my actions...I'd be the only child He had. I can be such a stubborn person--thinking that my way is right, all the time. But I secretly like it when God gives me a kick in the butt sometimes. I just love these Mumford & Sons lyrics:

So I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
A tethered mind free from the lies

But I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow


I'll know my ground and know my place. I'll know what God has called me to and not make excuses. Because God doesn't make mistakes. He didn't call me to something on accident. This means parenting as a whole! Letting my kids sinfulness dictate my mood or my relationship with the Almighty is laughable. But obeying brings blessing upon blessing.


"The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it,
the world, and all who live in it;
for he founded it on the seas
and established it on the waters.

Who may ascend the mountain of the Lord?
Who may stand in his holy place?
The one who has clean hands and a pure heart
who does not trust in an idol
or swear by a false god.

They will receive blessing from the Lord
and vidication from God their Savior."
Psalm 24: 1-5

My Foster Care Profile

I've mentioned before that I frequently look at the profiles listed on adoptuskids.org. If there is a way that we can adopt a child out of foster care, we would love to do that. But we have a very limited opportunity to do this because we won't adopt a child older than Bubba. On adoptuskids.org, you can search the profiles of children that are currently in the foster care system and eligible for adoption. You can search by gender, race, age, etc. My search is always the same. The only information I put in is that the child must be between 0 and 3 years old.  Yesterday there were a couple of new profiles and as I read them I thought to myself, "Oh, no. We couldn't possibly adopt this child. Their needs are too great. We cannot provide for them. It would be too hard." There are scary phrases peppered throughout these profiles. "Strong-willed" "Needs discipline" "Needs a lot of one-on-one attention" "Physically delayed" "Cognitively delayed" "Needs mental health services" "Special needs" "Needs life-long care" "Needs parents who are patient" etc.

I'm so quick to pass these children up...And then I started thinking...if I was listed...what would my profile read? How scary would it be? Would ANYBODY want me? Would anyone take a chance on
me? In reality, it would probably read something like this:

"An energetic, bubbly woman who is often sweet and warm. She can, however, turn on a dime when things do not go her way. Has a potty mouth but is very good at hiding it. She requires a lot of affection, care, and attention. Very forgetful. Occasionally has anxiety and also has a thyroid disorder that requires daily medicine and occasional special check-ups. She is always quick to offer help but is terrible at following through. She is selfish and can sometimes be manipulative toward the ones she loves the most. Can be quite moody. She needs patience, consistency and lots of love. Fears the unknown and doing things out of her comfort zone. Loves to scrapbook and be creative. She is chronically unsure of herself. You must be willing to reassure her of her abilities over and over and over again. Loves the smell of good candles, snuggling and watching movies. Can you give her a forever home?"

It reminds me that a profile is not a child. A "diagnosis" may not be permanent. "Negative" aspects of our personalities don't define us. That we are bigger and more complex than who we look like on paper. That Jesus is bigger than our imperfections. That HE chose us, each one of us with the WORST "profiles" imaginable. And He still takes us, and we are WORTH choosing. And He never said, "Well, I'll die for everyone...the ones without physical deformities, the ones without terrible behavioral problems, the ones that will not need lifelong care and aid, the grateful ones." We are all of those things. Our hearts are calloused and warped. Our minds are sinful and sick. And He chooses us anyway.

And when Jesus heard it, he said to them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.” Matthew 2:17

Updates

I'm pretty much just posting because I haven't in almost a week. Tomorrow are the kids' physicals for their paperwork. That's the last stop in our current paperwork train! We'll send that off to the agency and wait to be contacted to begin our home study. So I'll continue my breakdown of our steps:

We've already covered these:
1) Open House
2) Initial Consultation
3) Adoption Application
4) The Gathering of the Data

So to expand on number 5 (The Homestudy-$2,550):
We will have three meetings, at least 1 at our home and the other two at the agency in Skokie. We will have a new paper train to chug along on (oh my gosh, that was SO cheesy--delete that from your brain!), biographical information to fill out, adoption training to complete and more documentation to give the agency. The adoption training is required by DCFS. Since we are open to a trans-racial adoption (adopting outside our race) we will have to complete a minimum of 10 hours of training and education. Thankfully a lot of this can be done online and our agency will just review the material with us. We have to complete three separate videos BEFORE our first meeting with our adoption counselor.

Then we have to get birth certificates, our marriage license, tax returns, driver's license and auto insurance, proof of health insurance and proof of life insurance.

Then we'll write our "dear birthmother" letter but I'll explain that more when we get to it :)

We are also currently securing donations to have a big online auction on May 4th. Another family in our church did this to raise money for their international adoption (their little boy is coming home FRIDAY!!!) and they raised a TON of money through it so we're going to give it a try too! The donations are coming in and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it'll bring in a good chunk of money.

The clutch purse fundraiser and the wreath fundraiser are both going strong still!!

Sorry for the boring post!

Questioning

I gotta admit it...this week...I'm doubting. This week I'm wondering if we're rushing things. This week I'm asking what the HECK are we thinking??? This week has been SO trying...between tantrums and neediness and FATIGUE and Bubba locking Sissy in her bedroom and more tantrums and whining over the 400 pounds of Easter goodies that are sitting on our kitchen counter and Bubba getting out of bed 10 times during his nap to "go potty"....I don't know if I can handle a third child. I don't know if I can handle the two I have now. I don't know what God is thinking. And I'm kinda sorta thinking it would be great to say, "Hahahaha! Just kidding! You didn't think we were really serious this whole time right?? April Fool's!"

And then I open the mailbox and am greeted by two checks. One is from my best friend. This amazing woman is using her unique talent and her "spare" time (I put 'spare' in quotes because she has a toddler of her own, is expecting another and works full time...so "spare" time isn't really spare time...it's time her family is selflessly giving up) to raise money for this adoption. The other was from some friends who live in a different state and who we rarely see. Oh, and who are expecting their first child in like two weeks. And this can't be a coincidence right? If God wasn't calling us toward adoption...He wouldn't be providing for it...right??

I'm so desperately grasping for God to tell me it's going to be okay and I'm going to be fine and things aren't going to be as hectic and crazy and constantly self-sacrificing as they seem.....but then I remember that they WILL be! And I know God will stretch me AND The Husband. And that it's not about how much I can handle because God will stretch us and mold us as needed. And that He picked all these crazy kids (including the one to come!) to be in this specific, crazy family with its imperfect, impatient, selfish mom...for a reason. And I know we want to do this...we are called to do this...and we will never regret it. I just gotta hold on....for like the next 20 years....then it gets easier, right??

Ok now it's time to break out the discipline (and by "the discipline", I more likely mean the Google tablet) because I can't take hearing Bubba's door open and close one more time...

"I'm so cute!...You would never know that my mommy JUST carried me out of story time at the library kicking, screaming and hitting!"

Prayers answered

So God has been answering some prayers of mine lately that I wanted to share! I've been praying specifically for two separate boys who are available for adoption. I still look at adoptuskids.org daily just to keep our options open. This website has a photo listing of children in foster care who are available for adoption in the US. One boy I found on this site. He is listed in foster care and he is 3 years old--just slightly older than Bubba actually. He sparked my interest as I thought he looked like a little troublemaker--just like B :) But after discussing it, The Husband and I decided that keeping the birth order was really important to us--we don't think Bubba would do well having an older sibling. He has definitely established himself as the oldest child and we think it would really rock his world too violently to introduce an older sibling. It would definitely disrupt that established role for him. So I've been praying specifically for this boy--that if we were not to be his family, that he would find his forever family and that that family would be looking at the same profile I was looking at and have their hearts stirred to inquire about him. And someone did. :) He is visiting with a potential adoptive family right now to see if their family is a good fit for him and vice versa. If you think of it, pray that this boy would fit well into this family and they would be his forever family. And that they would present the gospel to him :)

The second prayer is for the boy that we were interested in from Asia. To recap, we were told that we could not adopt him because he is too close to Bubba's age so they would be "artificial twins." I pray for this boy on a regular basis as well. It makes my blood boil that he is STILL listed as a waiting child!!  Then I got an e-mail from Rainbowkids.org, and who is one of their featured children in the e-mail?? The SAME boy...out of THOUSANDS of listings, this boy finally has a chance to find a family. Everyone who gets their e-mail will see his picture and profile. PLEASE take a look!

If you or someone you know is interested in this sweet boy, go to the website listed or go to rainbowkids.com and sign up to see the photo listing of the waiting children. He's in there....waiting.

We hit our first wall today with the adoption--Sean's doc forgot to fill out an entire form! So back to the doctor's we go tomorrow to get that filled out. Pray that he will fill it out while I wait so I can send all of the required paperwork in to our agency tomorrow. We will be able to start our home study then!!!

Easter was fab--we got to see our niece all last week and then for Easter and the kids were SO excited to be able to hang with their cousin. We didn't see my parents for Easter but they came over beforehand and showered the kids with gifts and sugar--as did Sean's parents ON Easter. I love that Bennett is at an age that I can really start to explain to him what Easter really means. My explanation did not help in convincing him to wear his nice shirt to church on Sunday, though, so I bribed him with a cookie :) Shhh!

Fundraising Update

We recently received an amazing donation toward the adoption from a friend. The Husband is also planning on working extra hours over the summer and between those two things we will now be at our halfway mark!! The wreath orders have slowed down a bit but we are still getting orders in each week. This has been a HUGE blessing as it has brought in about $1500. This pays for our adoption application fee three times over! The clutch purse fundraiser has brought in a couple hundred dollars as well and is still going strong! We have already paid our first two fees and we are now at a point where we have money to pay for our home study fee in full and after all the orders are filled, we should have enough to make our first BIG payment in full when we are officially listed with the agency. This happens as soon as our home study is finished but we can also be called upon before our home study is completed in extenuating circumstances.

Our coffee fundraiser has been a bust! lol! Well you can't win 'em all! We are keeping it open throughout the adoption just in case though :)

I thought I'd kind of write out all of our steps in the adoption for those who have been asking. It can be quite confusing to understand where we are in our process and what each step entails. Also, it's nice to know where your money is going when you're donating to a cause! There are a lot of steps so I'm just going to cover where we are at now...So...here goes:

1) Open House: We went to the agency and talked to them about, well, THEM! This was just to get to know them and solidify if this was the agency we wanted to use.

2) Initial Consultation ($350): This was a three-hour meeting where we laid out the basics of what we are looking for in a child as an adoptive couple (age, ethnicity, birthmother drug use, special needs, domestic or international, etc). We gave the agency information about our family and received information about our home study and the next steps in the adoption. We got lots of our questions answered but came away with lots more!

3) Adoption Application ($375): We filled out the physical application complete with family info and references

4) The Gathering of the Data (as I so lovingly call it): We are in this step now. We have lots of doctors appointments for ourselves and the kids to have them verify certain things about our health. We also need to get fingerprinted, have our references answer questions about us as a couple, family, and our experience with children. We need to fill out lots of applications for DCFS and forms that are completely redundant but necessary. We have all of these appointment set for this week. We need to get copies of our birth certificates, marriage certificate etc. as well to send in. THEN....

5) The Home Study ($2,550): This will consist of three meetings with our social worker. At least one will be in our home. This process includes lots of education we have to complete on our own about adoption, adoptees, inter-racial adoption, open adoption, etc. We also will be meeting with our social worker to make sure that our family and home will be able to meet all of the needs of the child and will have lots of questions asked of us and have all our questions answered. We will become a foster home through DCFS but with the understanding that we just want to adopt at this point. So we will not have any foster children. We also need to write a "Dear Birthmother" letter. This will tell any prospective birthmother about our family, us individually, our beliefs, why we want to adopt, and what we have to offer this child.

That was a lot of info so here are some cute pics of the kids from last week. They are currently sick and we have doctor appointments for them today. Prayers for their healing and mine and The Husband's SANITY amidst the whining and crying are appreciated!!

Caring for the Orphan

Since we have decided to adopt domestically (within the United States), I have sort of gone through a mourning process. I am subscribed to Reece's Rainbow and Rainbow Kids which both have extensive photo listings of mainly international special needs orphans needing homes...NOW. I started, I'd say last April, scouring these photo listings, reading up on special needs that I didn't know about and countries I've never been to and ordinarily would not care to visit. I came across probably a dozen children that I've just felt a connection to. One we tried to pursue but were denied because he is only 6 months younger than Bubba. They would be "artificial twins" and most agencies don't like that and won't allow it. I personally think it is ridiculous to deny a child a permanent home on the basis of there being another child the same age in that home. You can bet their orphanage or foster family has children the same age but are deemed a better place for this child than a permanent, loving family and home. Well, stepping off of my soapbox...

Even though we have decided (not just because of that one incident) to adopt within the US, I look through those photo listings almost daily, praying for the forgotten, pleading with God to bring their families to them. I've been wondering HOW God is going to answer my prayers of healing and protection over these children if a family does NOT come for them...

"You, Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, so that mere earthly mortals will never again strike terror." Psalm 10: 17-18

And it dawned on me today...He DOES hear their cries and the desires of their hearts. He DOES love these children more than we can fathom. But He works through us! There will be beauty in the end but we live in a sinful and imperfect world and these children are not going to magically move from their worldly orphan status to being in a family. Someone, with the help of God, has to MAKE it happen.

"Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world."
James 1:27

I am, by no means, implying that everyone should adopt or is called to adopt. But we are called to action in some way. Support, advocate, PRAY PRAY PRAY! Sign up for the Rainbowkids.com newsletter and forward it to your friends and family! SOMETHING. We cannot continue to turn our eyes away from this just because it's not comfortable to see...

Reece's Rainbow
Rainbow Kids

Change

This weekend I attended the Hearts at Home national conference in Normal. I wasn't able to do the two day conference like I wanted (boo, school!) but I did get to spend the night, hang out with some GREAT friends, and attend the second day of the conference. Honestly, leaving the conference this year I didn't really feel any sort of change. I learned a lot, got some time away from the kids and really liked two of my breakout sessions but other than that...not much.  The only thing that really caught my attention was a verse from Ezekiel that Candace Cameron Bure quoted during our last main session. "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." I haven't been super open about the spiritual struggles I've had lately and I've been convicted of that. As much as I've tried to rectify it, I've felt literally like God has completely taken out the emotional part of our relationship. I don't hear Him, I pray but He doesn't answer, I don't thirst for the Word and I'm frustrated with some social issues and where the Bible stands on them.

Hearing this verse sparked something in me and I was eager to read the context of the verse when I got home. In fact, I couldn't even wait that long. While I waited for Little Caesar's to make our pizza (I stopped on my way home from the conference for The Husband and me!), I pulled out my bible and started to read Ezekiel. After continuing to read when I got home, I skipped to where the verse is (about 30 chapters later from where I was at the time!!). And then I prayed it. And it felt good. And I felt like things won't always be this way and perhaps God is working on something inside me.

Then Sunday our church talked about God blocking things in our path to lead us back to Him. I'm beginning to think this may be what He's doing in me. I'm a very emotional person, more times than I'd like to admit, emotion guides my actions. While I believe God gave us emotions for a reason and they are a beautiful thing, I'm starting to wonder if He's teaching me how to make godly decisions based upon His word and His character rather than my emotions.

I can't tell you how difficult this is for an emotional person like me! How stark and dry a relationship with God seems when you take the emotion and feeling out of it. But I'm already giving praise to God because I cannot imagine how difficult this adoption will be if I'm going off JUST emotion instead of the Bible. And, I'm scared to say, perhaps He is preparing me for some heartbreak. As much as I want to believe we won't experience this, it is a real possibility. 16% of our agency's planned adoptions fall through. Maybe we will just be waiting a REALLY long time. Maybe our child's birthmother won't be who we dreamed her up to be. I'm not really sure WHY God is doing this work in me but it feels great to finally have an answer to my heart's longing question, "what is going on?!!!"

Next up for the adoption: fingerprints, DCFS application, medical forms and references then on to the home study!

Results

Before we began the adoption process, I was having a really hard time believing that God truly answers prayer. I know, I know. It's something I shouldn't struggle with. But I've had a dry spell where I've felt my prayers almost ignored by God. Then I prayed for Him to provide for us for the adoption. And my, has He. There is still work to be done, that's for sure, but a fundraiser that I thought might make us a couple hundred bucks has now pulled in over $500. I've actually lost track (thank God I have Nicole who is keeping track!!) of how many wreaths have been ordered. And He keeps supplying. We have more orders coming in and one potentially large order pending as well.

God has been teaching me a lot through fundraising so far. Not only to rely on Him, to have patience (I'm still worried about the $19,000 we still need!), but that we cannot be lazy! He has put me to WORK to bring this money in. I can't tell you how many times we have burned our fingers on our hot glue guns (not to mention Nicole's second degree burn!!!), how many rolls of twine have passed through our hands or how many hours we have spent crafting wreaths. As I was making a wreath while the kids were napping one day, I was just trying to meditate on God's character and this just dawned on me. "Child, you and your husband prayed and continue to pray for me to supply the funds for you to bring a child into your home through adoption. And I am. And you are capable of working for it to happen!"

1John 3:18: Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.

Bubba is enjoying helping mommy by bringing me twine and loading my glue gun to make "weeths." I am so overjoyed that he is learning that the world is bigger than him. And that to say we love one another is not enough...that we must put our love into action and truth. To not just think about what God desires for our life, but to LIVE what God desires for our life.

My dear friend, Gina has started another fundraiser for us making and selling SUPER cute clutch purses. She has already sold a handfull and continues to work hard to help us provide a home for whichever child God chooses for us. Check out that fundraiser to the right!

Humbled

I am blown away at the response we have received so far for the wreath fundraiser. After we fill all of the orders we will have raised something like $300 already. I had a little chat with God in the car the day that Nicole started this fundraiser for us and it started something like this: "So. God. How are we gonna do this?" A little later, I got a text about this fundraiser and half a week later, this is what has happened. The orders just keep coming in every day. I have posted it everywhere and people I don't even KNOW are ordering specifically to give toward our adoption. I am completely humbled by everyone's generosity of spirit and a little embarrassed that I've doubted God's ability to provide the money we need. We are a long way off from having all of our money but I feel like God is just giving us a taste of His capability to fulfill this need. We are so excited to see what God does and how He provides during this journey. He has already carved it out and already knows who we will bring into our family and how we're going to do it. He is good, all the time.

Another blessing we are so thankful for is both sets of our parents. The Husband and I were able to go away for the weekend to celebrate our FIFTH wedding anniversary thanks to our four parents. My mom and dad took the kids Saturday-Sunday morning and The Husband's parents had them all day Sunday till we picked them up in the evening. We were able to get some relaxation and restoration for our spirits and were able to reflect on where we've come the past five years and where we'll be in five more. We have experienced some heartache over five years but, oh the blessings! A little breakdown on our 5 years of blessings:

2008: Got married














2009: Bought and moved into our new home
















2010: Had Bubba
















2011: Had Sissy




















2012: I began working toward my Master's degree
2013: God-willing, we will bring our third child into our family through adoption!

Praise God for His endless blessings and faithfulness.

Update

My fab friend, Nicole has started another fundraiser for us! She is selling handmade spring wreaths just in time for Easter. Currently there are four designs to choose from. Here is the website on Facebook:

Facebook wreath fundraiser

Prices range from $30-$50 and all the proceeds go toward our adoption!

Holy debt, Batman!

We went through our first consultation yesterday at the adoption agency so the next step is completing our homestudy. The person we are working with calmed a lot of the fears we have about open adoption, support, and risks (I'll blog about these later) but really rubbed some salt in the money wound. Because we would love a child of any race and we are fairly open to physical special needs and birthmother drug use, we were told that we could end up in a situation where the adoption process moves VERY quickly. This isn't the norm and probably will NOT happen but we were told that we need to be prepared financially in case it does happen.

Um, yikes?

So in true Lindsey-fashion, I was up texting with a good friend and researching fundraising options long after The Husband had gone to bed last night. I set up one fundraiser last night through Just Love Coffee. I have a link to it on my Facebook page as well as on the right side of our blog. Basically, you click through our link and it'll take you to our family page on the Just Love Coffee site. From our page you begin shopping and we will earn a fixed amount back from each item you purchase. It's super easy for everyone and it's fair trade, direct trade coffee and products.

My next step is to set up a t-shirt fundraiser. I think I will do this through a website called Chrome Buffalo. Basically, they have 4 t-shirt designs to choose from (in all sizes) and you buy as many as you want! We will let everyone know when the fundraiser opens and it will run for 10 days only. For every shirt purchased through our family page, we will earn $11. Again, super easy. I really like this fundraiser because we don't have to design our own shirts (time-consuming) nor do we have to put any money into it ourselves. I think many times adoptive families will design and buy their own shirts and then try to sell them which can end up LOSING them money if they don't sell all the shirts!

That same sweet friend I mentioned before is going to be helping me make some super cute button bracelets that I'll sell here and on my Facebook page as well. I'll hopefully be starting to sell these within the next week and a half.

I tried to set up an Amazon affiliate link on our blog so we can start earning money when you purchase items on Amazon through our link but apparently if you live in Illinois you cannot do this?? If anyone knows differently please let me know!

I have to give a shout out to my super awesome friend down the street who has been SO supportive and helpful! ALL of my fundraising ideas have come from her :)

More to come...

FUNdraising!!!

So I know it may be a little early to be worrying about fundraising for our adoption, but when you're looking at a big picture of around $25,000...well, you start thinking about it pretty early!

Researching all of our options is not a problem--I love to research this stuff. My biggest issue (and I THINK The Husband's too) is openly asking for financial assistance. We're working from this idea in the back of our heads that it's our family and if we want to add to our family then, financially, it's our issue to work out. It's difficult to break free from that line of thinking. The funny thing is, we were totally happy to contribute financially to friends' adoptions because we truly see it as biblical and something the church needs to take part of and support. But when it comes to us, it's almost embarrassing to say, "Hey, we can't do this............can you help? For me personally, I see myself taking charge of this area of the adoption in the most candy-coated, roundabout way possible because I'm just not comfortable asking for help!! There's this little brat inside of me stomping her foot and saying, "Don't even post this, I can do it mySELF!"

The idea of fundraising for adoption, I think, is kind of new age-y. I mean, when we talked with family members about how much it cost them to adopt 30 years ago, they told us it cost them something like $2,000. Generally now, it IS much less expensive if you foster first and then adopt or adopt a waiting child in foster care (which we looked at). But adopting a newborn from someone you don't know...well, is just much more expensive now. Also, I think fundraising for adoption is accepted by the Christian community because we see taking care of the "orphan" as something God commands us to do.

But it's still out of my comfort zone.

Anyway, here are some ideas I've found so far (and I'm also wondering if the grants I'm finding on the internet are actually worth my while to apply for):

1) Grants
2) Sell tshirts (Adoptionbug.com is what we're looking at because there is no upfront cost to us)
3) Garage/Bake/Jewelry Sale
4) Asking people outright for some dough (not gonna happen with me!)

So...ideas for fundraising are welcomed. Also, I could use some help wading through all the grant stuff. I don't want to waste my time filling out grant applications if they're not worth it. :(

Oh, I also don't want to leave you with nothing fun from my day so:
Bubba didn't nap today. Instead, he pooped on the floor and then REALLY tried hard to clean it up...with lotion, cream, and a cd.

Revamp

There are some new things going on in our life so The Husband and I have decided to revamp our blog to keep our friends and family updated on our growing and transforming family. The biggest two changes are:
1) I am currently in school to get my master's degree in social work. When I am finished my goal is to fight for "the least of these," the kids in the adoption and foster care world. I have my first (unpaid-boo!) internship this summer with a foster care agency. I'm so excited-the agency and people there seem so great, working toward a better life for the kids.
2) We have decided that 2013 is our year to adopt! We are starting the process now! We have our first consultation with our agency this Thursday. We are incredibly excited, determined, and scared. But we are ready.......we think. :). Oh, there's that little matter of it costing more than double what we paid for our car...

A large portion of this blog is going to be dedicated to our process of adopting. We believe that the process of adopting is not just about the child we will be bringing into our home; it is about every member of our family. It is a life change that affects our family as a whole which is why this "revamp" is not to change our blog to be about the adoption only. We would like this blog to be an updated account of what's happening in our family, how God is working in us and how we are just trying our best to be a loving example of God's devotion in this broken world. Also, we cannot accomplish this adoption without the love, support and encouragement of our family and friends. So we want to keep everyone informed!

You will also be hearing a lot about The Husband's adventures as a stay at home dad this summer while I intern and go to school!

And the adventure of our family continues on...