Change

This weekend I attended the Hearts at Home national conference in Normal. I wasn't able to do the two day conference like I wanted (boo, school!) but I did get to spend the night, hang out with some GREAT friends, and attend the second day of the conference. Honestly, leaving the conference this year I didn't really feel any sort of change. I learned a lot, got some time away from the kids and really liked two of my breakout sessions but other than that...not much.  The only thing that really caught my attention was a verse from Ezekiel that Candace Cameron Bure quoted during our last main session. "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." I haven't been super open about the spiritual struggles I've had lately and I've been convicted of that. As much as I've tried to rectify it, I've felt literally like God has completely taken out the emotional part of our relationship. I don't hear Him, I pray but He doesn't answer, I don't thirst for the Word and I'm frustrated with some social issues and where the Bible stands on them.

Hearing this verse sparked something in me and I was eager to read the context of the verse when I got home. In fact, I couldn't even wait that long. While I waited for Little Caesar's to make our pizza (I stopped on my way home from the conference for The Husband and me!), I pulled out my bible and started to read Ezekiel. After continuing to read when I got home, I skipped to where the verse is (about 30 chapters later from where I was at the time!!). And then I prayed it. And it felt good. And I felt like things won't always be this way and perhaps God is working on something inside me.

Then Sunday our church talked about God blocking things in our path to lead us back to Him. I'm beginning to think this may be what He's doing in me. I'm a very emotional person, more times than I'd like to admit, emotion guides my actions. While I believe God gave us emotions for a reason and they are a beautiful thing, I'm starting to wonder if He's teaching me how to make godly decisions based upon His word and His character rather than my emotions.

I can't tell you how difficult this is for an emotional person like me! How stark and dry a relationship with God seems when you take the emotion and feeling out of it. But I'm already giving praise to God because I cannot imagine how difficult this adoption will be if I'm going off JUST emotion instead of the Bible. And, I'm scared to say, perhaps He is preparing me for some heartbreak. As much as I want to believe we won't experience this, it is a real possibility. 16% of our agency's planned adoptions fall through. Maybe we will just be waiting a REALLY long time. Maybe our child's birthmother won't be who we dreamed her up to be. I'm not really sure WHY God is doing this work in me but it feels great to finally have an answer to my heart's longing question, "what is going on?!!!"

Next up for the adoption: fingerprints, DCFS application, medical forms and references then on to the home study!