There's no "Hoping to Adopt" aisle in the scrapbook store (and other irritating things in an impatient person's world)

I found this great quote today by Isaac Asimov:

"Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won't come in."

Consider my assumptions scrubbed.

I was paroosing Hobby Lobby today looking for scrapbooks. I got it in my head that it would be a really, super, awesome idea to create some more profile books for our agency, only handmade. I love to scrapbook so it makes sense and is more enjoyable for me to create than an online album. It showcases something I love to do and is personal.

The scrapbooks weren't on sale so I started looking through the scrapbook paper, which was on sale. Baby boy paper, baby girl paper, wedding paper, Valentine's Day paper, "retro" paper, etc. etc. etc. Why was there no "Please consider us when making your adoption plan!" paper???? I threw a couple paper packs into my cart and went on my way, a little deflated.

I assumed our openness in our adoption meant a quick match and placement. Not so much. We are quickly nearing 6 months of waiting. It's been a long 6 months. I assumed every phone call about an "extenuating circumstance," a "difficult situation," a drug-exposed child would be it for us. I assumed because the agency called us about a dire situation the first day we were listed that it meant we would be placed quickly. Like the next day. Or maybe the next day. Okay, maybe the day after that. And each day that comes and passes reminds me that we are no more appealing or special than anyone else listed with our agency. It reminds me whose plan this really is. Because this surely isn't what we had planned.

I've been reading through the Psalms lately. Honestly, I started reading it to send a verse each day to a friend of mine who is in a dark time. And instead I found myself circling a pattern of verses. Wait. Gain strength from the Lord. Wait.

Um, anyone who knows me knows that I. Don't. Wait. I do not have the patience. I get an idea and I want to do it. Now. Or better yet, yesterday. I know myself well and I know this is a part of me and it scares me because I assume, then, that God will want to work on it in me. Which means I'll have to do the most painful thing for someone like me: wait. For me, waiting is like that mosquito bite you got on your leg. SO itchy and you are conscience of it Every. Second. And it's not like it's hard to scratch either, I mean, it's right there on your leg. Easily reachable! But scratching just makes it worse so you occupy your mind with anything you can think of just to stop thinking about the insatiable itch that's on your leg. And so easily itch-able. It's right there!! And that's my limbo ;)

"We wait in hope for the Lord, he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, o Lord, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33:20-22

"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace." Psalm 29:11

"The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it" Psalm 24:1

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

I've decided to coddle my children

It's no secret that in our western culture, we are under the constant stress of "busyness." There's just no time. Too much to do and not enough hours in the day. Deadlines, stress, anxiety, busyness. My son always asks, "What are we doing next, Mom?" I've decided that I don't want to impose that life on my children anymore and that I don't think pushing them out of their comfort zone in this area is "good for them" anymore. Let me give you an example from tonight:

As I was putting Bubba to bed, I did the normal routine: book, tucking in, hi-low, prayer, hugs and kisses, shut off the light. Normally from here, I would lay down in bed with Bubba and stay till he fell asleep. Let me explain: Bubba.....is a scaredy-pants. Plain and simple. He hates the dark, he won't even go in another room by himself unless I'm in plain view. I think it's pretty normal (albeit kinda annoying) for a 4-year-old but, hence, Mommy became the sleeping buddy. There are nights when it's nice. We get some cuddle time and he drifts off to sleep within like 5 minutes. Then I'm up and on my merry way. Other nights, he's wired and it. takes. forever!!!! And all the while I'm screaming inside "For the love of God, just fall asleep! I've got _________ to do!!!"

So tonight I decided (for him and without his knowledge or approval) that the whole laying-in-bed-till-Bubba-falls-asleep thing had to stop. Weaning was going to start tonight. Period. So I told him I would not be laying in bed with him tonight, but on the floor. And I ever-so-graciously added that I would put my hand on the bed and hold his, if he wanted. He flipped. Tantrum first, then tears, then whining and finally, quietly, he gave up, snuggled his little, sweaty hand under mine and held on while he laid down. And I kind of patted myself on the back for being strong and being the good mama-bird who pushed my son out of the nest whether he was ready or not.

And after about 10 minutes of my son's tossing and turning, he slipped his hand out from under mine and gently draped it on top. It felt comforting. Like "It's ok, Mom. I know you don't know ANYTHING about raising a 4-year-old, but we will figure this out together." I started to think about all of the things he figured out on his own without me pushing him. Like putting his own clothes on, or the time I stopped trying to potty train him and one night he just got up from the dinner table, walked his little booty to the bathroom and peed in the toilet. And I started wondering why on EARTH we, as parents, PUSH our kids as if there's some timeline on how long it's ok to need Mommy and Daddy. I'm fairly certain that one day, Bubba is going to look at me and say, "Mom, I love you, but PLEASE get out of my bed!!!" I'm pretty sure I'm not going to need to push that one! Why do I feel the need to impose this stressful lifestyle of deadlines and busyness on a kid...who knows nothing about time anyway?

So even though his eyes were closed and I thought maybe, just maybe, he was close to falling asleep, I did the unthinkable: I moved. And that little bugger sat straight up, so fearful that I was leaving before he had drifted into sleep. I told him to lay back down, kissed his forehead and whispered, "I'm so sorry, honey. I will lay with you for as long as you need me to." And he whispered, "It's ok, Mommy." And I nestled back into my normal spot at the end of his bed and closed my eyes and waited. And inside, my brain was all, "I want to get downstairs to my popcorn and solitude!!!" but my heart was like, "Yeah, pretty sure I'm figuring out how to do ONE thing right....."

I want to let my kids be kids...irrational fears, neediness and all. So from here on out, I'm going to try my best to do a little more coddling and a little less tough-loving. :)

Fun things, new things, hard things, SHOE things!!

There is a lot happening in our home lately. First and most importantly, Halloween was a bust. It rained, so no trick-or-treating happened by our house. We took the kids to the mall for trick-or-treating and it was packed AND out of candy. So what is a family to do? Call it quits and eat chili at a family party! And look cute while doing it ;)

We were contacted last week by our agency about a situation similar to the last few and we are still waiting to hear if the birthmom chose our family. Super excited if she does but we're also not getting our hopes up as much as before...we're just trying to remember that it'll happen when it happens (and hopefully soon!).

We are also running a shoe drive to cover the rest of the adoption costs. We are THIS close to doing this debt-free! We are doing the fundraiser through Cash4Shooz--this company takes useable shoes, sends them overseas, and employs around 85 people at a time in local areas to mend the shoes and resell them in their communities.

They pay us per pound of shoes that we collect but since we are out of state (they operate in California), we have to collect a minimum of 15,000 POUNDS of shoes!!! YIKES!!!! It works out to about 10,000 pairs. We are running the fundraiser through January (longer if needed) and will soon have drop-off points at Minooka Bible Church and Fat Boyz! We would also absolutely love to pick up your dirty, old shoes from your home, too :)

Keep us in your prayers and let us know if we can shoot one up for you, too :)

Rejection

There's not a whole lot to say. We got another call from our agency on Monday about another baby situation. This baby is due in 4 weeks and has drug exposure. From the sound of it, there were not many other families willing to adopt this little sweetie yet to be born. But we were. More than willing. I didn't post anything on the blog because I didn't want to "jinx" it. As it turns out, we found out today that the birth mother chose another family. I don't know why we're finding this time so much harder to take than the last time. The rejection is just starting to stack up a little and it breaks my Mommy heart. I know lots of people who have told me not to get my hopes up, not to get attached, not to dream or think of our family including any other baby until we know for sure that we've been picked. But really, I can't say I know any Mom that is capable of that. Moms are made to jump in with our whole hearts and minds, dreaming and hoping and living in faith. We're meant to give of ourselves without asking for anything (ok, maybe just the occasional scrapbooking weekend) in return. Which also means that Moms are made to have our hearts broken over and over again. This must mean that we're made to be pretty damn strong. And that's what I'm clinging to right now. That I am fearfully and wonderfully made and I was made to be a pretty damn, strong woman. And that when we do finally get chosen, I'll already be there with my whole heart, loving that baby fully, before we were ever his or her parents.

But right now the rejection stings.

The Longest Weekend Ever!

We have been listed on our agency's website for approximately 5 days. Check it out!
Within 12 hours of us being listed the first day...we got a call from our agency. An emergency. A pregnant woman with a sad, sad, story and an even sadder story surrounding the baby, was being induced on Tuesday (like this past Tuesday...like YESTERDAY). Did we want our profile to be included in the set that the agency was giving her to look over? After talking it over, we decided YES! of course we wanted her to consider our family! They overnighted 5 profiles (including ours) to her on Friday and then we waited...and waited...and waited...and started thinking through what accommodations we would need to make if we needed to go get OUR BABY this week.

And then the phone call came on Monday afternoon while I was at a home visit for one of my foster families at my internship. I stepped out to take it because I couldn't go any longer without knowing something. And then the news came flooding out of the other line so quickly I could barely hold on: another family was on the top of her list. We weren't it. This wasn't our baby. And my heart broke even though I had peace about it. Something I've noticed is that, as Christians, we compartmentalize having peace and having raw emotion. Like if we trust God and have peace about a situation, then we can't be heartbroken or sad or angry. I know that we will be matched eventually and I know that God has a plan for us specifically. But I'm still sad that this situation didn't work out. I never expected the ups and downs of adoption to come so quickly. It would've been an amazing story, too. But the one God has written for us is pretty amazing, too. :)

LIVE

Within the week, our adoption profile will be live for women choosing adoption to look at. It'll be on our agency's website and they will also have hard copies to give to interested birthparents who come to the agency in person. This is huge. We're finally here! From here on out...we wait. It could be a day, it could be a year. We don't know what God has in store for us or how long we will have to wait. But we know we've been obedient. We know we've done what He has told us to do.

And we're so close to being able to pay for it all. But we're not quite there yet. We have anywhere between $3000 and $8000 left to raise. We have seen God provide VASTLY already yet we are nervous to see how the rest of it comes. We know God's got this. But we also know that we have to be proactive. We're just asking that if anyone is willing to donate or knows someone who might be willing, please direct them to our blog. You can donate through Paypal on the right side of the page or through a check to us. We know that most, if not all!, of the people reading our blog have already donated time, talents, money, etc. to us. If you guys could just keep us in your prayers that this money would come in some way, some how. We will be forever grateful :)

I will be making some fall and Christmas wreaths to sell soon, hoping that might bring in a little bit more since most people bought wreaths from us around springtime. Keep your eyes open! I also have about 7 clutch purses already made and sitting on my counter for whoever is interested! $20 a piece.

We're in the home stretch. Let's make this happen. Thanks for loving on our family so much with help, support and prayer!

Pressing On

This process has been painfully slow for us. We went to our first consultation at our agency in February and it's now July. And we're still not finished with our home study. BUT...we will finally be completing our home study-tomorrow! We have our last visit in the morning and then we will go in for one more consultation and then we wait to be matched! It feels good to be so close to having our end of things finished. Then we can just wait for God to do His thing. We are feeling good about things!

Me and the Hubster

We also have been offered a $3500 adoption grant to help with our expenses! The money has not been sent yet, though, so we're not posting anything about where we got this grant or that we have received anything yet. But it's there, God is providing. He has provided in amazing, crazy, off-the-wall ways and I am absolutely LOVING experiencing it. I'm for sure an idealist and so, at the beginning of all of this, I was researching all these crazy ideas for saving money for the adoption and The Husband kind of thought it was all quite cute (he's the realist in this relationship--the yin to my yang) but didn't think it would really help. He's been working SO hard so we can save more for the adoption. He's pretty amazing. But it has been so awesome to watch God provide through handmade wreaths and clutches, a Facebook auction and a grant.

We should be done with everything and waiting to be matched in about two weeks. I'm sure that then the roller coaster will only have begun.